Ramblings from my life…

Torn…

I have been working every day for the last two weeks. While having a routine and constant day is nice, I am also learning a new balancing act. I no longer can do laundry during the mornings, take my dog on a daily walk or run errands while the kids are at school. Those things, if I do them, have to be done after 4 pm and with kids. I know, that is what most working moms do… but I am torn.

This job is only temporary. I am a substitute teacher. The reason I chose this job in the first place was so that I’d have days at work and days at home. A good balance of alone time and housekeeping verses keeping my brain active and working. My favorite part about subbing is the variety, getting to work with different age children and see what they are learning. Every once in awhile a sub job will be for an Aide. While helping individual students is rewarding, it is also very draining.

Two weeks ago I got a call to be an Aide. Aide’s work with individual students and get paid less than Substitute teachers. Now, I don’t take teacher jobs over Aide jobs because they get paid more… I take the Aide jobs because I want to work and maybe even make a difference in some young kids life. (I’m a dreamer, what can I say?) So… the Aide job turned into a temporary job while one of the school employee’s is out.  I wake up every morning ready to go and feeling very blessed for the opportunity to work. However… I can’t help but feel sometimes that I’m missing out on something. I mean, I signed up to be a Substitute teacher because I love kids and mine are at school all day long – so, why shouldn’t I be at school all day long? My kids and I have the same hours, I don’t owe the school any extra time for meetings or planning. It is perfect. I signed up to be a Substitute teacher for the random work schedule. Teach a day, stay home a day.

I am torn. I love what I am doing at school right now and I love the constant… but at the same time, I kind of just want to do what I signed up for… substitute as a teacher, for a class.

I am a mess. My real goals are to eventually get a Masters degree and my own classroom. If only I had picked a real major in college. Don’t get me wrong, lots of people are music performance majors and then go on to BE performers. That was not in my cards…. and I knew it, right after I graduated and met my husband. If I had gotten a Special Education or Early Childhood Education degree… things would be so much different now.

So now, I am stuck in limbo land… and torn.

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4 responses

  1. you should talk to joy! what about private music lessons? you could schedule those around your kids i would think…

    January 18, 2010 at 10:33 am

  2. Kim – I can relate. Twenty years (yikes, how did that happen??) after graduating from college with two, yes, two, completely useless degrees – who majors in English and History?? – I feel I am where God needs me to be right now. I thought when I left for college, I was eventually going to NY to work for a book editor. Well, that clearly didn’t work out – enter hubs and then three kiddos. I’ll admit, I lucked into the job I am doing now – through God’s providence – but I, too, was a sahm, a substitute teacher, a cafeteria aide (yuck!) and became a professional volunteer (read – Girl Scout leader, et al) all the while waiting to see what God had in store for me. The waiting and wondering left me feeling – torn and broken. Constant feelings of inadequacy and failure, wondering if this was all there was and too much dwelling on what could have been. All I can say is keep praying – the doors will open if it is His will. And, since He always wants the best for us, you gotta know it’s going to be good! 🙂

    January 19, 2010 at 2:42 pm

  3. I know so many people in your position right now, including myself. You are not alone. Decisions are so difficult. I try to think fate will take course and work everything out.

    BTW, I just found your blog and really like it! I will definitely be following!

    January 20, 2010 at 2:42 pm

  4. Jamie

    Hi Kim…sorry you are having a tough time. I’ll be praying for you 🙂

    January 24, 2010 at 8:42 pm

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